RL Fic Exchange: Without Hope or Agenda
by Katatschia
Summary: Post 6.09. How Logan deals with the break up. Written for the R/L Fic Exchange
1. Prelude

A/N:

This is for Starlight841. I hope you like it and think I did justice to your favorite quote. Slightly late due to my wonderful beta's time constraints. Sorry! Thanks to my beta, Julia, and a few others who helped when I needed it. Prompt is at the end.

---

He watched the bag turn in the microwave. Only a few plops disrupted the faint monotonous buzzing which ended in a sudden "Ding!"

"Logan, would you get the popcorn please?" a faint voice croaked from the couch.

"I'm already on it, Ace!" he called over while simultaneously taking the steaming bag from the microwave. He dumped the contents into a bowl, grabbed a bottle of cold medicine, and made his way over to where she was sprawled out on the couch.

Logan glanced at her set-up: Two big pillows behind her back, covered in several blankets and a huge quilt, family sized box of tissues to her left, an array of remotes to her right. "Are you sure you want to do this here? You might be warmer in bed."

Rory groaned, "Logan, I'm fine, honestly! Plus, I really don't feel like walking right now. And besides, the bed is cold right now anyway."

"Oh, don't worry," he chuckled. "I'd be more than happy to carry you over there and help you warm up. You know, body heat is the best kind of heat..."

"Oh no, mister." Her face belied the warning her hoarse voice could not express. "You stay in your corner, far, far away from me and my germs."

Sighing, he let himself fall into his assigned corner of the couch and handed the bowl of popcorn to his sick and growling Ace before she had a chance to complain. "And I brought you your meds," he said, while trying to fill the tiny measuring cup. She made a face as he handed her the red liquid. "Atta girl!" he praised her as she took it down in one gulp. "See? Doctor Logan knows what's best for his Ace."

His plans for the week had been slightly different. With Richard and Emily out of town, he was free to spend a few days with Rory in the pool house without constant fear of either grandparent showing up unannounced. Everything had been fine on Monday and Tuesday, but when he had come back after his afternoon class on Wednesday, she had been kind of moody and listless. She had not even tried to pick a fight with him when he had taken control of the remote that evening. During the night, she had started coughing and, eventually, after she had unsuccessfully tried to kick him out of bed (he just had not wanted to leave her alone), she had moved to the couch where she had been camping out now for the last two days.

At some point she had told him, or rather ordered him, to leave, but he had no intentions of doing so and she was too weak to fight back anyway. The argument that she could not really take care of herself had finally registered with her when she had collapsed on her way to the bathroom the previous day. His offer to call a doctor had, of course, been declined. As long as she was taking the cold medication he had gotten at the local drugstore, staying warm and hydrated, and eating, he was fine respecting her wishes.

There had been so many other things on his list for this week, but spending half of it hanging out on her couch in sweatpants and making mac 'n cheese for a very sick Rory had most certainly not been on it. Though strangely enough, he kind of enjoyed it.

"So Ace," he said, watching her munch on the popcorn while choosing the right remote for the DVD player, "remind me again why we are watching a Christmas movie in September."

"It's not a Christmas movie if the title is not Christmas related," she sounded so cute with her stuffy nose.

Logan fetched the DVD case from the coffee table. "Come on! There is snow on the cover and it has a red velvet ribbon on it."

She had made her way through the DVD menu to start the movie and tried leaning his way to snatch the case from him, but he held it out of reach. She sighed, giving him her most menacing stare, knitted brows and all. "Logan, give me that. No mocking one of my favorite movies. It's called 'Love Actually' so, guess what, it deals with love, actually, not only Christmas. And we are watching it because I'm sick and I want to watch it. If you don't, you're welcome to leave."

He got up, grinning inwardly. Rory's expression turned from frowning to lost in a fraction of a second.

"Wait Logan, I didn't mean it," she wheezed. "We can watch something else if you want to! Where are you going? Don't go!"

He had made his way into the kitchen, looking through the plastic bags he had brought back from the drugstore. Peeping over the back of the couch, Rory watched him. "Logan, what are you up to?" She was already panting from all the talking.

He had found what he had been looking for and took the box with him. "Don't worry, Ace," he said, a wide grin spreading on his lips as he jumped over the back of the couch. "I just wanted to get my own box of tissues, in case I start to tear up and you don't want to share."

Rolling her eyes, but at the same time suppressing a grin she growled at him, "Oh, hush you. Stop being cute."

As the movie started, he just settled into his corner, propping his feet on the coffee table. He even managed to suppress a snide remark when the character on screen started singing, "Christmas is all around us…"

The movie was not half bad, actually decent in his opinion, maybe a little too girlish here and there, but he found himself enjoying how all the connections between the different characters were introduced and played out. Some of the couples were a little predictable from the very beginning, but one couple, or rather a love triangle intrigued him. Though watching Rory enjoying one of her favorite movies was actually more interesting than the movie itself. She was nibbling on her bottom lip during the tense scenes and sighing with delight at the overly cute ones.

"Watch this scene," Rory suddenly croaked out. She had been unusually quiet during the movie which was probably due to the 'non-drowsy' medication not keeping its promise.

On screen, the Mark guy, an artist, draftsman of grand gestures and part of the love triangle, was standing in front of Juliet's house. Juliet had gotten married to Mark's best friend, Peter, at the very beginning of the movie. But throughout the movie it had become obvious to both the viewer and Juliet that Mark had a thing for her, although he had always pretended to hate her, for self preservation reasons as he had explained.

In this scene, he was playing Silent Night from a boom box while holding up a set of poster boards. Logan didn't have to read them to know what they said, because he could hear Rory's strained and wheezy voice whisper them as they were showing up.

"With any luck, by next year - I'll be going out with one of these girls," Rory spoke under her breath. The next card came up, picturing a bunch of cutouts of models. She carried on with the following card, "But for now let me say, -Without hope or agenda."

He wondered briefly, how anybody could say something without an agenda, but his thoughts were cut off by more whispering.

"Just because it's Christmas - And on Christmas you tell the truth - To me, you are perfect." As the characters on screen locked their eyes for a moment, Rory sighed, a dreamy expression on her face.

He was flabbergasted for a second. "Wow, this is…"

He was cut off by an impatient "Hush!"

More cards, more whispered reading out loud, "And my wasted heart will love you - until you look like this." The guy's next card showed a picture of a mummified human body. Rory passed on wording out the last card, that said, "Merry Christmas."

Logan stared at the screen open mouthed while another delighted sigh could be heard from the opposite corner of the couch. On screen, the Mark character took his boom box and poster boards, flashed the girl another half smile and walked off, only to be followed by Juliet a few seconds later. She stopped him, briefly kissed him on the lips, another moment of locking eyes and then she disappeared off, back to her house where her absolutely oblivious husband had been sitting in the living room, watching TV, while this encounter had played out at his own front door.

Logan could not take it any longer. He swiftly reached over to grab the remote that had slipped off Rory's lap and paused the movie.

"Wow, Ace, this was…" he began, not sure how to phrase this.

"The most romantic profession of love ever?" she tried to help out, the dreamy expression still on her face. He wondered for a moment, how much exactly cold medication could cloud a person's perception.

His forehead wrinkled, his brows furrowed, as he bit lower lip. He was still trying to find the right words. "No Ace, this was no romantic profession of love. This was a stupid guy possibly endangering the happiness of his best friend and the girl he's supposedly in love with."

"Logan, how can you say that?"

"Just look at him! How can he just walk up to her and tell her he has no hope or agenda and then tell her he loves her? A guy never tells a girl he loves her when he has no intentions of being with her. Either that, or he's lying."

"But he's truly in love with her, all he wants is for her to be happy, so he doesn't want to get together with her. See, no intentions. Plus, maybe he just had to get it off his chest."

"How can he want what's best for her and put her in such an awkward situation? The ball is in her court now. Actually, it's pathetic. He pretty much gave her an open invitation to screw over her husband and his best friend to be with him whenever she felt like it. How will she ever forget about that 'option' with him being in her life all the time and how will he ever be able to get over her when he promised to love her until she's some ugly mummy. There will always be tension between them."

"But there doesn't have to be. You'll see that in the end, there is no tension."

"How can there not be? Ok, this is a movie, it's not real life. But I'm pretty sure, that in real life, this wouldn't be possible."

Rory glared at him. "I think you just spoiled one of my favorite movie moments of all time for me."

He felt bad as he saw how her glare had turned into sadness. "I'm sorry Ace," he said, actually meaning it. It had not been his intention to hurt her feelings. "I bet that from the girl perspective, this is a perfectly cute and fluffy gesture, but from the guy perspective, you just don't confess your love to your best mate's girl. It gets messy."

Rory had gotten silent once more, playing with a loose thread from the quilt. "So, any experience stealing you best mate's girl?" she asked tentatively.

Logan groaned inwardly, he had gotten himself into this situation, so he had to get out. "No, I wouldn't do that. As I said, it's just a thing between guys, it's in the code, so to speak." He hesitated for a moment. "But if Finn ever declared his undying love for you, I don't think I'd be too happy about it."

She laughed, her eyes dancing at something she remembered. "Oh, you know he has done that on several occasions."

Of course he knew that. "But what if he really meant it? What if he really loved you, just like…" He trailed off. He should not go there, not tonight.

"Just like…?" She looked at him expectantly, probably knowing what he was about to say. He had to save the situation.

"Just like Mark loves Juliet."

Her expression said that she didn't buy it, but she didn't press it either. "Well, at least you acknowledge that he's truly in love with her."

Logan sighed. "That he might be, but clearly, his love for her is clouding his better judgement."

Before she could say anything more, he hushed at her and pressed the play button on the remote. "Don't strain your voice, Ace, you might need it to finally win an argument one of these days." She pouted, a tiny growl escaping her lips. He just winked at her.


	2. Stages of Grief

Pain. Lots of pain. Like someone had driven a chopstick into his forehead and was now slowly turning it to make it go in even deeper. He didn't want to open his eyes and if he had been in any better shape or not as close to being brain dead he wouldn't even have considered that there actually was something stuck in his head. However, his right hand slowly crept from under the sheets along his throat and unshaven jawline towards the throbbing spot about an inch or so above the root of his nose, feeling around for the wooden object. The fact that there was, of course, no Chinese eating utensil poking out of his forehead made him realize, just about a second later, that it must just be another Day After X.

This was confirmed when his right hand left his face to pat the mattress next to him, unavailingly searching for the warm body that belonged there. Well, used to belong. Past tense. Now all his hand could find was what appeared to be a glass bottle, accompanied by a big and cold wet spot, apparently the bottle's previous contents.

There wasn't a whole lot he could remember about the previous evening. There had been a phone call from Colin or Finn or both, Chinese takeout, hours of playing Call of Duty 2, and going to bed with a bottle of Johnnie Walker.

He swung out of bed, ignoring the shaky legs and throbbing headache, ripping the sheets off the mattress. Flat sheet, fitted sheet, right pillow, left pillow. He stopped. A scent. Her scent. Lifting the down pillow to his face and pressing his nose into it, he inhaled deeply. Hands gripping the soft fabric, tightly holding on to the last bit of what was left of her.

The pillow tore with a loud rip, feathers covering the bare mattress and sticking to his bare chest and hair.

Why was he holding onto every little thing that reminded him of her? She had made it clear that he was not what she needed, not now, probably not ever. No call, no email, nothing since she had yelled at him in the bar and he had stormed out. It seemed to have been yesterday but it had been so many weeks.

At first, he had just ignored it. Tried to not acknowledge that she had not called or tried to contact him in any way. If she could be stubborn, he could most certainly keep up with her. For two weeks, he had filled his schedule with writing papers that he actually handed in on time, keeping on top of his school work. He had gone out to the bar with the guys a couple of times, but they had seemed a bit uneasy around him and about the whole Rory thing, so he had told Colin he was busy next time he called. He had even asked his father about any upcoming business trips and gladly accompanied him. Anything to get away from thinking too much, being reminded of her. His professors had been pleased, his father even more so. Nobody had questioned his intentions or motivations. People saw that he was not his usual self, but they took it as a good sign. She would have called him on his B.S.

He still had not heard anything from Rory by Thanksgiving, two weeks after the fight. He had not discussed the situation until Honor had run into him at his parents house while getting ready for their annual Thanksgiving party.

---

Thursday, Nov 24, 2005

"_Oh Logan, great!" Her voice was chipper and excited. "Is Rory with you or is she coming later? I really need her advice on shoes!"_

"_Um, well, um… Rory isn't coming today." _

"_Oh darn." She scowled for a second. "I really wanted her to meet the girls today. Why isn't she coming? Is she spending Thanksgiving with her grandparents? I thought they were invited tonight?"_

"_Um, listen, Honor, I don't wanna talk about it."_

"_Logan," she said warningly. "Tell me!"_

"_Honor, forget about it. It's nothing. She's not coming today and that's it."_

_As she stared at him, one brow lifted, he knew he could not get out of this one alive. "I know something is going on, Mister. Your hair is not as spiky as usual. Fess up!"_

_What was he supposed to say? That they had a fight and they had not spoken in two weeks? She would make him call her that second and apologize, not caring whose fault it had been. 'I'm not sure,' would not satisfy her either. So he said the first thing that came to his mind that would not give her a chance to force him to do something he was not willing to do. "Fine, we broke up, okay? Are you happy now?"_

_He tried storming off. Actually saying it really hurt. He needed a drink, make the pain go away._

_Honor was quick to follow, trying to put on her heels in the process but throwing them aside when they wouldn't cooperate. "What do you mean, you broke up?" she asked. "You don't just break up with Rory, why would you?"_

"_Honor, stop it!" He could feel the anger rising within him. _

"_I can't believe it!" She was blocking the doorway now, leaving him no way to escape her lecture. "Here I am, your loving big sister, who just wants the best for you. Rory is everything you ever needed and could hope for because she's funny, really smart but feisty enough to keep up with you without boring you. She's the best thing that ever happened to you! Why would you break up with her? I don't get it." _

_He felt sick, ignoring the little voice in his head was one thing, but ignoring his own sister another. He didn't have to be honest with his inner voice, but his sister could just tell when he was not being honest. But what was the honest answer? He had an idea that had been present in his mind for quite some time, ever since Rory had planted it there during her stupid rant. Anger was rushing through his veins, he did not want to say it out loud, fearing it might be true in the end._

"_Logan!" she pressed._

"_Well," he said through gritted teeth, "maybe I'm the worst thing that ever happened to her." _

_He had no idea what emotions displayed on his sister's face as he did not dare looking at her when he stormed out of the room. Was it shock? Anger? Sorrow? He did not want her sorrow._

_A mixture of anger and pain flooded over Logan. Anger, because his sister had confronted him about something he had been trying to avoid and pain because the louder the echo of his own words got inside his head, the more he realized that it was probably true._

_He was not good for Rory. In retrospect, he had been a terrible boyfriend. He had thought that not pressuring her into returning to Yale had been the best he could do for her since he would not have wanted anybody telling him what to do, or rather he would not have listened. If only he had had a better plan, maybe she would not have felt like she was wasting precious time being with him, partying with him. _

_The anger gave way to guilt. It had been his fault, he should have been more supportive. He had let her down. _

_Guilt and pain took over. He could not handle it, he needed for it to go away. _

_As he stumbled down the curved staircase to join the party on the first floor, he took big gulps from the whiskey bottle in his right hand. There was a strawberry blonde near the arch that led to the parlor. She looked like she might be a good painkiller. _

---

Standing in his apartment, still covered in feathers, Logan ran his hand over his face. In retrospect, he was ashamed of what he had done during the party and the following few days. How could he ever have thought that fighting the pain of losing Rory by drinking excessive amounts of alcohol and having sex with some bimbos would actually work? It had used to work back in the days before he had known Rory, when the only pain he had to fight had been caused by the constant confrontations with his father. Hearing 'Logan, you're not good enough' from Mitchum and being rejected by him caused pain that could be managed in a way he had been doing it all his life: Pranks, booze, random sex. The pain caused by the loss of Rory had been different, deeper. Being rejected and declared 'not good enough' by someone he cared so much about had caused pain very different from anything he had known before. For once, his usual self-medication had not worked. Actually, it had made it worse with every dosage. Every inch of skin he had touched had amplified the pain, his hands were aching from contact with the unacquainted, longing to touch what they knew best. His lips confused from unknown texture, sudden sickness due to unfamiliar scents.

He had not been able to go all the way with the first girl he had encountered. The excruciating pain paired with an overwhelming sickness had forced him to pull back. She had been a bit confused but he had not cared. After that, he had convinced himself that he just needed to go a little further. There had to be a point where his body could no longer feel the pain and it would be replaced by some form of numbness. Hoping that this numbness would spread though his entire body, he had found some bimbo to test his theory just a couple of days later. When he woke on the floor of a hotel room in New York City the next morning, aching even worse than the previous days, he knew that his plan had failed.

At that point, he had vowed that he would never ever again touch another woman in his life if only this awful pain went away. Or if only he could have Rory back. But bargaining with the powers that be had never worked before.

By early December, Logan had decided that he needed to change. Maybe he was not good for her right now but he could be, he needed to be. It was just that he didn't know how to be the man that Rory needed to be happy. For some reason he had found himself in a business meeting with his father around this time.

---

Friday, Dec 2, 2005

_Too preoccupied trying to balance the still present pain and the new hope that maybe he would be able to turn his life around for her, Logan had not been paying attention to the discussions around him. Mesmerized by the dancing reflections caused by the bright rays of a lazy early afternoon sun hitting the blue glass of a water bottle sitting on the table in front of him, he was startled by sudden motion and scraping of chairs as people around him were getting up. It took him a fraction of a second to register this and heave his tired body from the rather comfortable chair. His hands automatically reached for the button of his jacket, his eyes trying to scan the situation, maybe catch an idea of what he had missed._

"_Mitchum, great meeting!" A man in his mid forties, slightly balding, eager expression was walking up to them, hand stretched out. Logan tried to match the face to some name but his head was just too slow. His father was to his left, shaking the man's hand._

"_Thank you, Carl," Mitchum's voice boomed. "I'm fairly certain we will see a lot of improvement with these changes next year." His heavy left hand rested on Logan's shoulder. "And with my boy Logan starting full time next year," he continued, the hand now grasping on his shoulder, "we might see a lot of fresh ideas." _

_Carl looked a bit uneasy. "Well," he said, "fresh is good, but we shouldn't forget where we're coming from." He hesitated. "But with you being Mitchum's son, I'm fairly certain you're a natural at journalism and publishing. Looking forward to working with you, Logan." He held out his hand for Logan to shake, which he did while he tried suppressing the anger that rose within him every time people assumed he was just like his father. _

_Mitchum's laughter boomed in his ear. "Of course he's a natural!" The grip got tighter with each word leaving his father's mouth. "I'll make sure he knows everything he needs to know when he starts." _

_Logan knew that he should have said something to Carl but he could not as his teeth were digging deep into his lower lip. He just nodded and managed a quick, "Excuse me please," through gritted teeth before storming out. _

_Logan was already waiting in the car when his father joined him, letting himself fall into the seat next to him with a heavy sigh. "Son, would you care to explain your unprofessional behavior during the meeting?" Mitchum asked with the usual tone of frustration he used when dealing with his son, not looking up from the papers he was sorting. _

"_Unprofessional?" Logan muttered under his breath, barely audible but his father had caught it nonetheless. _

"_Yes, unprofessional!" Mitchum was louder now, more serious, looking at him from the side. "One day you're going to work with those people, they will be looking up to you, asking for guidance. You can't just sit there and do nothing, stare at the wall, whatever! If times get tough they need to know that they have a captain who will tell them what to do so they can sail the ship into the harbor, no matter what. They don't want him to stare at the ocean!"_

_Logan grimaced. "Guidance?" he said disbelievingly. "How am I supposed to guide people, when I don't even know where I'm going myself?" _

"_Logan, what is this about? You were born to lead people, you're a natural. You're my son, you know what to do." _

"_Yeah, right," Logan growled, staring out the window. "I was taught how to get people to do what I want, I was taught to fire them, I was taught to manipulate people."_

"_That's right!" his father said confidently. "See, you've got the basics down. Everything else will just fall into place."_

_Logan's head swiveled around, he looked him straight in the eyes. "You honestly believe that? That you can support people and guide them by getting them to do what you want?" _

_Mitchum nodded, a self satisfied smile on his lips. _

_Logan felt his anger rising again. "Please stop the car!" he yelled at the driver and turned back to the man sitting next to him. "You know what, Dad? I wouldn't want to be on a sinking ship when you're the captain. You're the kind of guy who'd save his own ass and forget about the rest. You're not interested in pushing people to do their best for their own good, you just want them to do what's good for you." He hesitated before he went on, the expression on his father's face clearly stated that he did not really care what his son thought of his motives. "Wanna know something else?" he continued as the car finally stopped. "My life is ruined because you never taught me how to actually support people I care about. All you do is demand and order, I honestly cannot remember anything you've ever done for me without an ulterior motive. Nothing. How am I supposed to be a decent guy when all the man who's supposed to be my role model has ever taught me was how to be an ass?"_

_Quickly, Logan opened the door and stepped out on some street in New York. He could hear his father calling, "Son, get a drink, calm down. See you for dinner on Sunday," before he kicked the door shut with his foot. Mitchum didn't care, he really didn't care._

_Logan looked around, he had no idea where he was. But he could not just stand there forever, he would have to choose a direction. So he just started walking, he would hit something familiar eventually._

---

After the encounter with his father, Logan had just wanted to be alone. He had to sort out his life. Maybe he had never had a chance at a regular life. Maybe he never would have that chance. For all he knew, he was the son of a self-centered, manipulative bastard. There was a good chance that the apple did not fall far from the tree. His deepest desire was to love and be loved in return. He had come far enough to realize that. Even if he were to find someone brave and forgiving enough to love him, he was just not capable of returning that favor. He would have to watch them suffer through being with him, witness them breaking apart in his presence while he was a passive onlooker, oblivious to their needs.

He had not attended dinner that Sunday, he had not answered any calls, even ignored his sister's calls at first until she had called in 10 minute intervals. Annoyed by the constant buzzing of his phone he had picked up eventually, only to say, "Honor, I'm fine. Stop calling me!" before she had had a chance to say anything. The phone had been off ever since, for two weeks actually. When the calls had started on his land line, he had just ripped the cords from the wall. He had not opened his email inbox in days. Isolation was what he had wanted, absolute solitude.

The doorman downstairs had gotten instructions to only send up food deliveries, his only connection to the outside world. Weirdly enough, this had not worked in his favor.

---

Saturday, Dec 17, 2005

_For the first time that week, Logan had actually managed to take a shower, shave, and get dressed in a decent outfit. Previously, he had only been able to do one of those things every day. Why bother? He was on his own. It was 7:30 pm, about time for his dinner to show up. He had made a deal with a place down the street to deliver some food every day, he didn't really care what. He figured he'd eventually get sick of take out, but going out to a store to buy stuff just seemed like too much work. Everything seemed like too much work._

_He could hear the elevator stopping on his floor. The ping of the doors opening was followed by hushed voices, like a couple of men fighting over something. Then, there was a knock on his door. As Logan opened the door, money in hand, he was surprised to see not one, but two delivery guys dressed in cheap red bomber jackets and matching hats. But he was even more surprised, when one of them started speaking with a very familiar Australian accent, "Domino's pizza delivery! You ordered a large pepperoni with a side of very pissed-off friends who wonder why the hell you are turning yourself into a bloody hermit?"_

_Logan was taken aback for a second. The sight of Colin and Finn in pizza boy uniforms was rather unexpected, to say the least._

"_How... I mean why… Who let you guys in?" _

"_Lovely to see you too, Logan! I'm Colin, one of your oldest friends. Remember me?" Colin sneered in his usual manner while shoving the pizza box into his hands, pushing him back into his entry. He continued, "Are you out of your freaking mind? You don't answer calls, you don't answer emails, you don't show up at the bar, you disappear from the freaking face of the earth!"_

_His friends had pressed their way into the apartment, leaving Logan at the door, flummoxed, gripping the pizza box with both hands._

_Finn was shrugging off his red jacket and cap, taking in the place: A mess of dirty clothes, empty or half empty take out containers and empty bottles. "Love what you did to the place, mate!" he exclaimed, almost sounding sincere. _

"_Yes, indeed," Colin added sarcastically. "I read that trash is the new trend."_

_Logan was annoyed now, how dare they enter when they had obviously gotten the message that he didn't want to see anybody? Anybody most definitely included them. He just didn't feel like talking to people right now._

"_What do you guys want? Why are you here? Go away!" He left his spot by the door to throw the box on the pool table. _

"_What do we want?" Colin repeated the question. "We wanna know what's going on with you!"_

_Logan let himself drop on one of the barstools. "Nothing is going on with me. I'm fine, I'm alive. See? Now you can go." His hand motioned for them to shoo out. But they would not have it._

"_Is this still about the lovely Miss Rory?" Finn asked in his usual direct manner while Colin tried to hush him. Logan had not heard anybody say her name in quite a while, had forgotten that other people knew her as well and that she was not only connected to his miserable life. He swallowed hard._

"_No, it's not about… her." Gosh, he was a bad liar. "I just… Don't want to be around people right now." _

"_Oh, is it that?" Finn mused._

_Colin chimed in, "Your oh-so-subtle behavior, or rather non behavior suggested that you wanted nothing more than be surrounded by your friends and family."_

_Logan grimaced, "Colin, shut up." _

"_No, I sure as hell won't shut up! Man, you can't just not communicate with anybody for two weeks. You could have drowned in your bathtub or something!" _

"_More likely in trash," Finn added under his breath. _

"_We tried to come by but your bodyguard down there refused to let us in. Strict orders and shit. The only indication that you were, indeed, still alive were the daily scheduled food deliveries." _

"_So we dropped out of Yale and decided to take up a career in the culinary industry," Finn chimed in. "Though I have to say Colin, red does not suit you." _

_Colin rolled his eyes and discarded his uniform._

_His friends standing in his apartment, talking to him, to each other seemed very weird to Logan. He was not mad that they had come, how could he be? But he wasn't exactly happy about it. His own little world had stopped turning for a few days, time forgotten, outside world forgotten. The idea that other people had cared about him enough to do something like this was strange. Shame rushed over him._

"_Listen, guys," he said, "it's really nice of you to stop by and all. It's just… I need some time alone." _

_Colin jumped in. "No Logan, you listen. You look like crap, your place looks even worse." He went on with a more serious and sincere tone. "I'm pretty sure this is about a certain girl and I might not be too familiar with the concept of a broken heart, but man, yours seems to be shattered. Solitude might be what you're longing, but it most certainly is not what you need. You need people, you need distraction, you need to get your ass out of this place and stop being a fucking hermit."_

_Some place inside of Logan was waking up. He knew that his life was a mess, his place even more so. He was ashamed of his own behavior. He felt guilty that he had not been able to talk to his friends. He was torn between going outside, seeing how the world had evolved while he had been out. Maybe things had stopped being reminders of her. Maybe her spirit no longer haunted the places he used to love. Maybe he needed to move in order to move on._

"_So my friend," Finn said, grabbing Logan by the shoulders and leading him towards the door. "You can count yourself lucky to be invited to a very exclusive pre-Christmas shindig that a friend of a friend of a friend of a very hot red-head is throwing today."_

_Before he had been able to protest, he had been shoved through the door and eventually into Finn's car. As they were moving through the New Haven traffic, he was gazing through the window, for the first time realizing that while he had been cooped up in his tiny bubble, everything had turned into Christmas. Everything was sparkling and glowing in a way that was only possible around Christmas time. The usual darkness was brightened by thousands upon thousands of fairy lights wherever he looked. A sea of light._

_He was glad that the 'shindig' was more or less a low key gathering of various people in somebody's loft. For the party, they had turned the wide open space into something that resembled a ski cabin. Most people, some adorned with elf ears or antlers, had gathered around an open fireplace in the center of the big room, lounging on fur-like throws and low seating. There was a bar to the right, just in front of a monstrous Christmas tree dressed with colorful lights and ornaments of all colors and shapes. In the far left corner, a bunch of guys were sitting around a big table, probably playing poker. _

_Before Logan had had a chance to see if he knew anybody around, Finn had already found the reason why he had wanted to come in the first place and disappeared into the crowd. Colin motioned for the group of poker players. "You up for it Huntz? Your constantly pained expression is perfect for poker! People will think you have really bad cards, you score." _

_Logan glared at him. _

"_Fine," Colin shrugged."Suit yourself!" Off he went. _

_Logan was glad Colin and Finn were not going to hover around him all night long. If they had to force him to come, he should at least be able to choose his own company. Looking around, Logan noticed a few familiar faces, the usual suspects, but not really anybody he wanted to talk to. _

"_Logan! I didn't expect to see you here!" A way too chipper female, probably slightly intoxicated, had suddenly appeared to his left. Before he could see who it was, she had already thrown her arms around his neck, kissing both of his cheeks. There was a strange tingling where her lips had touched his skin. No pain, no repulsion, no sickness, just tingling, like his nerves were reactivating or something. Curious. _

"_So, how are you?" Definitely way too chipper. But now that she had let go of him, he recognized both, voice and face. _

"_Claude," he stated. She was an old acquaintance, one of Honor's friends. He had known her for years. They had dated back in his senior year. Claude was harmless, cute exterior, sweet interior, sometimes a little gossipy. Then, realizing he was supposed to say something he quickly mumbled, "Oh yeah, um… I'm… you know, fine I guess?" How was he? Fine was probably the best answer. Fine always worked, even when it was not really true. "Yeah, I'm fine," he repeated, not really in his usual game. "So, um… long time no see." _

_He had a feeling she had not picked up on his weirdness since she gave him a big smile. Definitely more than slightly intoxicated. The glass of eggnog in her left hand was probably a little enhanced and not her first drink that evening. _

"_Oh, it hasn't been that long! Just a couple of weeks ago, weekend after Thanksgiving. You were around when we had that gown fitting at Honor's place in New York, remember?" _

"_Right." He did remember, but mostly the gruesome parts. _

"_By the way," she continued, "has Honor gotten a hold of you yet? When I talked to her the other day, she was kind of worried about you." She looked at him questioningly. _

_He tried to shrug it off. "Oh yeah, my cell was broken. You know how she can be." _

_She nodded. _

_How much did she know? A beat. Logan motioned towards her glass. "Any idea where a guy can get a decent drink around here?" _

_Again, she gave him a big smile and took his hand to pull him towards the bar. "Follow me young man, I know just what you need." The same tingling that he had experienced on his cheeks earlier now ran through his hand. It seemed like he was waking up._

_They had started talking, draped over a couple of bean bag chairs by the fire. With every glass of spiked eggnog their conversation had turned more intimate and, for some reason, more honest at the same time. Logan had quickly figured out that Honor had not shared the true reasons for his lack of communications, bless her. _

"_Oh my," Claude sighed heavily, her dazed eyes staring into the flickering fire. "I think I know why they say that people usually tell the truth on Christmas." _

_Logan raised his eyebrows, trying to remember where he had heard that before. "So," he mused, "why is that?" _

_She giggled, closed her eyes and sighed before saying, "Well, because people get drunk on Christmas. And you know, drunk people like telling the truth." _

_Logan smiled crookedly and added, "Plus, if you tell the truth and the other person is drunk as well, there's a pretty good chance neither of you remembers it the next day." _

_She gasped excitedly. "Oh, that is so true! I have to remember that." _

_Logan was pretty sure she was one of those who would not remember. Claude smiled again, dreamily, then turned to him. "Logan, you're such a good guy. You're smart, you're funny, you're most definitely sexy…" She trailed off, then continued, "Remind me, why did we not work out back then? You're definitely boyfriend material, how could I miss that?" _

_Sober Logan would have groaned, distracted her mind with something else and moved on. But brooding, intoxicated into honesty Logan just sighed. "You know," he said, contemplating this for a second, "I'm not a good guy. It's just as simple as that. You wouldn't want me as your boyfriend." _

_Claude was quick to respond, "Oh no, Logan, that's not true!" _

_When her hand touched his knee as she leaned over, he just let it happen, expecting more tingling._

"_Why do you think that? That's awful! You are a great guy." Her voice was dripping with sincerity though her tongue was heavy from all the alcohol. _

"_Fine," he offered. "Maybe our definition of 'good guy' is just different. So tell me, what makes a guy a 'good guy'?" _

_She sucked in her cheeks, bit her lower lip and stared into the fire once again, probably coming up with an answer. "Well," she started, inhaling deeply, "besides the obvious stuff, like having great taste in clothes, restaurants, books, movies, you know, stuff like that, you know what you want, well, most of the time, but what's more important, you pretty much always know what you don't want. You can tell the difference between good and evil and usually you act on behalf of the good although you like to toy with the bad side. But that just means you're not perfect. Gah, perfect guys are so annoying. They're no fun. Anyway, where was I? Right, well, you most certainly are fun to be around, plenty of proof there. And you know, you have something honest about you. Of course you're the eternal charmer, but when it matters you call it as you see it, know what I mean? You're always there when a friend of yours is in need. Sure, there have been a lot of broken hearts about you, pieces can be found all over the world. They probably wouldn't agree. But when you really care about a person, they can count on you, no matter what. And last but not least, actually a dead giveaway: Honor is constantly talking about what a great and supportive and just simply awesome brother you are. Maybe it's just me but if your own sister, who knows pretty much all about you and all about the stuff you've done is saying you're a great guy, that' probably saying a lot."_

_Logan stared in awe at the tiny blond girl next to him, words pouring from her mouth with so much honestly and sincerity that he could not help but believe what she was saying. Maybe he just imagined it but it seemed as if whatever had happened to his cheeks, his hand and his knee had finally reached his heart. For some reason, its beating seemed a lot more pronounced. He liked it._

_Logan smiled at hear warmly. "Wow, I must be one awesome guy, huh?" _

_Claude nodded slowly, not because she was doubting what she had just said, just drowsy from booze and honesty. "Definitely boyfriend material," she concluded. "But probably not for me. I think my ship has sailed a long time ago. But I'm pretty sure that one day, you'll find a girl who sees you for what you really are." She gave him another sweet smile. "But don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean we can't enjoy each other's company right now." Her sweetness had turned into seductiveness in an instant and he could feel how she was running her foot up and down his leg._

_Some old instinct suddenly kicked in. He was pretty sure he would regret this at some point in his life, but right now he needed to act, before his nerves and his body could fall back into their previous state of being, not feeling. It took him some effort to escape the beanbag chair as it was shifting and his reflexes were under the influence. He finally extended his hand to a giggling Claude. "I think we should get you home."_

---

Come to think of it, he had already regretted it the following morning when he had snuck out of her place. Not really a 'my life is over now' regret, more of a 'dude, you didn't have to do that.' And although he had had more spiked eggnog than he would ever have cared to admit, he had been glad that he had not forgotten about the honesty shared the previous evening. Maybe he was not such a bad guy after all. Sure, Claude had probably not said any of that without hope or agenda, but she had always been honest with him.

When he had gotten home that day, he had pulled out a roll of big blue garbage bags. Wondering how on earth he could have let his place get so messed up, he had swiftly gotten rid of all the trash in sight. The amount of laundry that had accumulated over the weeks had scared him at first but he had put most of it in another couple of trash bags so he would be able to take them to the laundry service the next day. He had plugged his landline back into the outlet, put the charger on his cell and downloaded every single one of the 628 emails from his mail server. Most had been trash, a couple of dozen from his father's secretary, several from Honor, and a bunch from Colin and Finn. He had deleted most of them. There had been a couple of emails from his professors at Yale. He had almost not dared to open them, thinking that they had probably kicked him out of his courses because he had missed classes for two weeks. But the title of an email from his economics professor read 'Get well soon!' so he had been more than curious to open it.

_Dear Mr Huntzberger,_

_I am very sorry to hear about your bad condition. As I have suffered from cardiac arrhythmia myself, I am aware of what a toll it can take on you. _

_Your friends Mr McRae and Mr Finnley have assured me that you are keeping up with your coursework while adjusting to the new medication and considering your recent excellent participation in class, I am very confident that you will be able to take the final on Dec 22 without any problems. In case your medical condition has not improved by that date, please let me know and I will be happy to make alternative arrangements._

_Best wishes for a quick recovery!_

_Sincerely_

_Prof. G. Hull_

There had been a similar message from his professor for literature and his sociology professor had even offered an exemption from the final. While he had been hiding in his own little bubble, thinking his life was miserable, his friends had been out in the world, saving his ass. Gratitude was not the right word for what he felt, it was not enough.

For the next couple of days, Logan had tried to catch up as much as possible with his schoolwork so he would prepared to take the three finals scheduled for that week. Using his head for something other than brooding and being miserable had been a nice change. Of course he had not been able to block out his misery entirely but he had come to a new understanding about it. Fact was that he loved Rory with all his heart, more than he ever thought was possible. But the fact was also that he had hurt her, hurt her badly, probably beyond repair. Leaving her space to breath and time to make her own decisions had been his only intention, but they just had not been right for her. He had learned just too well that sometimes problems seemed similar but that they needed very different medications to treat them. While Rory was the perfect solution for his struggles and worries in life, her symptoms only got worse with him, some actually only appearing under his influence. If he could not help her, he needed to stay away. Far, far away because if she got too close, he might not be able to stay away from her. He had to go into Rory-detox. Maybe one day he would find somebody with an effect quite similar to hers. He could only hope so. Although, the generic brand would probably never be as good as the brand name. He was afraid there would always be something missing from his life. But knowing that she would have a chance at fixing her life, even if it was without him, was making him happy enough for now.

The week had gone by a lot smoother than Logan could have hoped for. Finals done, he had invited his friends to the pub, thanking them for what they had done although words could probably not say enough. Finn had told him how they had planned the whole thing out. They had even talked a friend of Colin's family, a New York based cardiologist, into composing an actual medical report that they had shown to the professors.

Logan had laughed out loud at that. "Guy's you can't do that! One of these days, you'll end up in prison for fraud and it'll be my fault!"

Colin had just shrugged it off and taken a sip of his beer. "Nah, don't worry, we're too good for them. Besides, you would have done the same thing for us." Of course he would, no questions asked.

Logan contemplated how all the stupid behavior, pain, and misery of the previous weeks had ended in a not all that bad week. But he wondered, still standing in his bedroom not quite tarred but definitely feathered, why he had just ripped apart a pillow carrying Rory's scent. Had he not come to an understanding on that matter last week? He looked at the calendar on the wall, Dec 24, 2005. So what had happened last night?

Logan mentally reviewed the events of the previous day. He had been at Yale, returning some overdue library books in the afternoon. After that, he had picked up his laundry and gone home where he had first talked to Honor about plans for Christmas and then called Colin to ask about -- it hit him. Colin had sounded off, like he was keeping some vital information from him. Logan had pressed him about it, threatened to have him banned from Rich Man's Shoe if he didn't fess up, but he had regretted it the moment Colin had disclosed his information.

"Logan, man, listen," he had said hesitantly. "I didn't want to be the one telling you this but you'd probably kill me if I didn't. Rory is coming back to Yale next semester."

That was all it took to make his carefully rebuilt world crumble around him. The plan he had worked out to get over this, to keep his sanity, had been based on the fact that Rory would not be anywhere near Yale, that she would be wise enough to stay away from him. Now that she was returning to what he had thought would be his safety zone he was not sure what to do. He could drop out of Yale but that would be stupid considering he had only one more semester to go. He could try taking his last classes by correspondence but he was not sure his professors would approve of that. Then there was the obvious thing, just try avoid running into her at all costs. Of course that was not a very fail-proof plan. Their paths would probably cross all the time. He would see her between classes, by the coffee card, in the Yale Daily News offices, although he would be more than happy to avoid that next semester. Even before he had officially been with Rory, when they had had their little love-hate relationship going, he had run into her several times a week. He had to come up with a new plan. He didn't trust himself around Rory. She needed a chance to be without him.

The shower he had taken to get rid of all the feathers didn't help clearing his mind, neither did the triple shot of espresso he had gotten from the coffee place down the street. So before he could do the same thing he had done the previous night, killing Nazis and falling asleep with a bottle of booze, he sunk down on his couch, popped his feet on the table and grabbed the remote. It was 2:30 on Christmas Eve. He had to clear his mind for a bit so he could be at his parents' house for dinner at five. This would most certainly be a very interesting Christmas.

He was flipping through the channels, nothing catching his interest, until he found a movie that seemed familiar. He could not really remember when he had seen it, maybe he had been distracted by something while watching it. It was most certainly a Christmas movie, so maybe he had seen it last year? But then, as he saw that one scene playing out on screen, he knew exactly when, where, and with whom he had seen the movie. September, the Gilmore's pool house, with a very sick Rory. His hand was already on the remote to switch the channel, when his eyes caught the poster boards Mark was holding up.

_With any luck, by next year - I'll be going out with one of these girls_

Logan would count himself lucky if he could manage the same thing. Going out with someone whom he really liked and not mess up at the same time might help him get over this awkward situation.

_But for now let me say - Without hope or agenda_

Suddenly, something clicked. He could just not quite pinpoint it just yet.

_Just because it's Christmas - (And at Christmas you tell the truth)_

Now he remembered where he had heard that before.

_To me, you are perfect._

Just like Rory was perfect for him.

_And my wasted heart will love you - Until you look like this._

And then it hit him. He remembered the stupid discussion they had had about this scene, how he could not imagine a guy acting without hope and agenda and that he had thought Mark had put Juliet into an awkward situation by telling her about his feelings. How had he not seen it back then? It was not exactly the smartest thing to do, pretty much asking her to keep a big secret from her husband, but that had not been the main point. He had done it to clear up future awkward situations between them! Juliet had to know how much he loved her so she could adjust her own behavior so she would not put him into even more misery. And the whole thing about no hope or agenda, of course he didn't want to be with her because he knew she was happy with her husband. He wanted her happy, that was his only goal. No hope of getting together with her, no agenda.

Suddenly, Logan knew exactly what he had to do. Well maybe not exactly, but he had to try it. And he had to do it that very day. He jumped up, took a handful of index cards from his desk and grabbed a sharpie. Coat, wallet, keys and he was out the door before Julie had stopped kissing Mark on the still running screen.

_Just because it's Christmas, and at Christmas you tell the truth._


	3. Merry Christmas

Calmness and serenity were engulfing Stars Hollow. A couple of inches of snow covered the houses, the trees, and pretty much everything but the streets he was using to get to her house.

He knocked on the front door, cautiously. There would not be any chance of him talking to Rory if Lorelai opened the door. "Please let it be Rory! Please let it be Rory!" he chanted breathlessly. His hands were clammy, he was very nervous, something that he had not experienced often in his life. Just before he could get up the nerve to raise his hand and knock for a second time, the door opened swiftly. For a second all he could see was the back of a head full of curly brown hair and for a fraction of a second, he thought it was indeed Lorelai who had opened the door, but suddenly he saw her face, adorned with a big smile, eyes twinkling.

"Merry Christ…" she began, but stopped abruptly when she realized who was standing in front of her. Immediately, the smile and twinkling eyes were gone, first replaced by surprise, then by an expression annoyance, her arms crossed in front of her chest in an instant. "Oh, it's you," was all she said.

Logan had tried to prepare himself for this moment, but all he could do was stare at her, his mouth open to say what he wanted to say, but somehow he could not do it.

Now she looked annoyed, one arm dropped to her side, the other holding on to the door, ready to shut it. But she did not. "Logan, what do you want?" she asked with a hushed voice, glancing over her shoulder.

He stared, just stared at her, although he knew that time was precious, that he had to act or she would slam the door in his face. "Listen!" He was relieved when the first word had managed to come over his lips. "Rory, can I talk to you for a minute?"

There was a sharp intake of breath on her part, he wondered if it was because he had called her Rory or because she thought his request was ludicrous. Her eyes wandered around uneasily, into the hallway and back to him. "Logan, what do you want?" Her voice was more impatient now.

"Just a minute of your time." The nervousness had subsided as he had realized that she was not just going to ignore him.

"Who is is, Rory?" Lorelai's voice suddenly called from somewhere in the house.

Rory swallowed, looking at Logan questioningly.

This was his cue. He reached into his coat pocket to get the index cards he had prepared. With a smirk, he held out the first one that said, "Say it's Carol singers."

Maybe he had imagined it but he thought he could see a tiny smile on her face as she turned around and yelled: "It's Babette, she wants to borrow our snow shovel! I'll be right back!"

Rory grabbed her coat from the rack and quickly moved out and closed the door behind her before Lorelai could say anything else. They were standing on her porch, Logan still holding up the card, Rory eyeing him suspiciously. The tension could not be ignored, and he was relieved when she broke it. "Carol singer, huh?" she mused. "Since you don't have a boom box with you and I know that you can't sing…"

"I heard you are going back to Yale next semester," Logan said quietly.

"Yeah, I am." She looked away. "What is this about, Logan?"

"Rory, you have to hear me out. I need to tell you something, without hope or agenda, and not just because it's Christmas, but it helps, because, you know, at Christmas you tell the truth."

Rory snapped her face back to look at Logan. "Logan, honestly? No hope or agenda? You didn't buy that line! You said a guy always has an agenda."

Logan answered desperately, "Just, please, hear me out! I actually understand the 'without hope or agenda' part now! I know this situation is different, your name is not Juliet and you're not married to my best friend. But you know, I've come to understand Mark's part and his intentions. And I know mine are without hope or agenda. I know you are better off without me, I'm just not boyfriend material, never have been, probably never will be."

Rory tried to interrupt, "Logan, that's not --"

"Please?" Logan interjected. "Well, as I said, I know you're better off without me, but you have to know that I'm most certainly not better off without you. Honestly, to me, you are perfect. Everything I could ever hope or wish for. I just don't know how to support you, how to give you want you need and what you deserve. I don't know how to be a good boyfriend. But I need you to know that I love you, that my wasted heart will always love you, probably forever."

"Logan, what about no hope or agenda?" Rory asked incredulously.

"Just. Hear. Me. Out," Logan answered in short bursts. "I have no hope of you and me getting back together and it's not on my agenda to talk you into doing that because I know it won't make you happy. So no hope or agenda for you to get involved with me in any way."

Rory bit her lip.

"But you know, when you go back to Yale in January, we'll see each other all the time. We share some friends who I know should not be forced to pick sides. In order for the two of us to be civil and get along, I just need you to know that I don't hate you and that I don't loathe you but that I love you with all my heart. So, I need you to stay away from me. When you're around, I won't be able to control myself because it's basically an instinct to be with you. But I'm trying to get over that, because I know it's not good for you. Maybe one day, I'll be able to move on, but for now, that's not possible. Believe me, I've tried."

He did not want to look at her because he had a feeling she had not like what he had said. But it had been for her own good. She would realize it eventually.

"Well, Merry Christmas, Ace."

He smiled at her, then turned to walk towards his car. Relief washed over him, he had finally done it. Letting her know about his true feelings didn't make the pain go away, but suddenly he felt like it might be easier to handle now. It was no longer a secret, it was out and both of them could deal with it.

Behind him, he could hear the crunching of someone walking through the snow, actually running by the sound of it. A hand touched his shoulder, he stopped and turned around. Rory grasped his face with her cold hands and pulled him in for a kiss. How he had missed her soft lips, the smell of her skin. This was not fair. He waited for her to pull away but when she did not, his hands got a hold of her shoulders and gently pushed her away.

"Sorry," she said. She looked down, then back up to his face. She just stared into his eyes. Finally, he managed to evade her gaze.

"Rory, you should go back inside."

She took a step back, but not to turn around and leave. He could not move. "You know," she said tentatively. "Thank you for being so honest with me. I really appreciate it. But there is one little problem that you didn't consider."

Logan swallowed, had his plan backfired in the end?

Rory continued, "See, Juliet had already found her true love in Peter and although Mark truly loved her, he was right to assume that her happiness was connected to Peter and not to him, so his actions made sense." She inhaled deeply. "You however, are under the false impression that when I'm with you I'm unhappy."

Logan stared at her. "You're not unhappy when you're with me?"

"Not at all. I was in a bad mood when I said that, Logan."

Logan paused, then said, "But...I'm so bad for you, Ace. You and I both know it. I've been a real ass."

"No, Logan," Rory answered. "I'm the one who was being an ass. Will you stop blaming yourself?"

Logan sighed. "Rory, that's really nice of you to say, but I'm not about to get back with you and make you unhappy again. I don't want to do that to you. I just wanted to let you know that I still love you. Let's just leave it at that." Logan looked at his feet, shrugged, and turned away.

Rory uttered Logan's name quietly, which made him turn back around. He saw Rory in the dim porch light, and his eye caught a glimpse of glittering from the corners of her eyes. She was crying. Her lip began to quiver slightly. Logan stepped forward. "Rory, please don't do that."

"My life will be incomplete if you just drive off right now," Rory answered, her voice shaking. "I can't imagine not having you in my life. These past few weeks have been hell, Logan. No couple is perfect. We can work through things. We both made mistakes, but we'll learn from them. Please, let's try again."

"Really?" Logan asked.

"Really."

Logan stepped forward as a tear rolled down Rory's cheek. He put his finger to her cheek and wiped it away. Another tear followed, and then too many for him to catch with his fingers. A smile broke through Rory's tears, and he leaned in and kissed her. "I'm sorry," he said.

"Me, too," she answered, and put his arms around his shoulders in a hug.

Logan took that opportunity to give Rory a kiss. She kissed him back, but he felt the strong urge to pull away. When he did, Rory looked at him, surprised. "Rory, I'm sorry," Logan said. "But I have to go. It's Christmas, and I have to be with my family. I don't want to, but I have to."

Rory sighed. "You're right." Logan began to take his arms away from her, but Rory clutched him tightly. "But Logan, if you go, will I ever see you again?"

Logan laughed quietly. "Rory, I just need some time to think about this. I thought you would never take me back!"

"Darn it," Rory sighed. "I'm so much drama. How do you deal with me?"

Logan replied, "I do it because I love you. But I have to go. You understand, right?"

Rory nodded sadly.

"I have to be with my family. You have to be with your mom. I promise to be in touch. I will put up with all the drama in the world to be with you."

Rory laughed. "You're being unusually mushy."

Logan smiled and said, "Let's just say I'm relieved we're talking again." He leaned his face to hers and they kissed again. "That's not the last one," he said.

"Promise?" Rory asked, an almost pleading look in her eyes.

"Promise."

"Look, you can hang out with me and my mom if you want," Rory said, trying one last time to keep him there.

Logan loosened his hug and let his arms fall to his sides. "Rory... Your mom doesn't like me. At least, that's what it feels like."

Rory's eyes suddenly flashed with determination at this. "Well, you know," she began, "it's Christmas, and at Christmas you tell the truth. I'll just tell her truthfully that I'm not planning on letting you out of my life ever again, and she will just have to get used to that, starting today."

Logan thought about that for a few moments. Rory waited for his response. Logan looked at her and smiled. "Just a second," he said, and slid his cell phone from his pocket. He dialed his sister's number. Honor answered, "Logan, where are you?"

Logan explained he wouldn't be able to make it tonight.

Honor replied, "What? You're going to leave me here alone with them? Get off your butt, stop brooding and come be with your family, where you belong."

"I'm fine, really. And I'm with the most important person in the world." Logan smiled as he looked at Rory.

Honor was silent for a moment before she finally understood. "Oh my god! That's so great! But what am I supposed to tell everyone?"

Logan looked at Rory and smiled. She smiled back, and Logan replied, "Tell them I went to Costa Rica and jumped off a cliff for all I care. Hell, they would believe it. But, you could also tell them that I'm with the girl I love, and she loves me back."

Honor squealed and said, "They probably won't believe me, but I'll tell them. They know how unpredictable you are."

Logan laughed and said, "Hey! Not fair."

Honor laughed, too. "I'm so happy for you guys! Tell Rory I said hi and Merry Christmas!"

Logan flipped his phone shut and extended his arms towards Rory, who fell into them. "Honor says Merry Christmas," he said.

Rory tilted her face up to Logan and said, "Merry Christmas indeed." They kissed, a long one this time, and Rory broke away saying, "Logan, you're shivering! Let's get inside!"

Logan smiled, "Oh, that's just excitement."

But he let Rory take his hand and pull him into the warm, cheerfully lit house.

--------

A/N: Hope you liked it! Here is the promt by Starlight841:

Prompt:

Since I am a hopeless Christmaphile I would really love a holiday fic centered around a quote from one of my favorite Christmas movies of all time:

With any luck,

By next year,

I'll be going out with one of these girls. /yl5apaq

But for now let me say,

Without hope or agenda —

Just because its' Christmas —

(And at Christmas you the truth)

To me you are perfect.

And my wasted heart will love you

Until you look like this. /yj42d9z

Merry Christmas.

However you want to use that quote in your story is fine with me. If you would like to write an AU fic in which Logan is telling it to Rory or a love triangle similar to that in Love Actually that is awesome as well. Or if you just want them to be celebrating Christmas and watching the movie that is fine with me too. Like I said it is completely up to your interpretation. I don't want any AU story in which Rory is from Hartford society or the heiress to the Hayden fortune. I also don't want to see too many of Logan's friends. A little bit of Colin and Finn is fine but I want the main focus to be on Rory and Logan. You can make it as angsty, fluffy, or smutty as you'd like. (You don't need the links in the quote in the story. I just put them up there for fun.)


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